So, it's been a while, blogosphere. Hi, I'm Gary, in case you forgot. So, I've been wondering what to write about for a while. I'm of a firm belief that you don't choose the blog post, the blog post chooses you. For those of you unfamiliar with that logic, it's kinda like the logic with which Mormon missionaries select ties, or at least the way we did in my mission. Just let it hit you, then go for it. So, it hit me recently what I wanted to blog. It seemed a little strange, but here I am going for it.
I want to talk about a certain little four letter word...no not one of those. Come on! The word is love. Now, I know what you're probably thinking...how is Gary qualified to blog about love? Don't worry, I wonder the same thing, and I'm probably not all that qualified, which is part of what will make my take on the whole thing all the more interesting. I also realize I'm a little bit late for Valentines, but give me a break, I was planning my birthday that comes 2 days after that.
So just to catch you up on the last little while in my life...back in September a girl that I dated, and who broke my heart once, decided it was a mistake and moved to Indiana to be near me. Secretly, I got really excited for her to come, hoping things would be re-kindled. She came, and soon thereafter we were dating again. If you had asked me at that point if I knew what love was, I would have foolishly answered you, Yes! Of Course! You see, I felt like I loved her at that point in time. In my mind the natural next step was engagement and marriage, since I felt like I knew what love was, and I felt that I had found it.
As often happens in life, the story took a different turn than the one I was expecting. You see, she didn't want to get engaged, she didn't want to get married. As much as I thought I was in love is as much as she was uncertain about the whole thing. Within a week or two, we went from planning to spend the holidays together to nothing, no relationship, no plans, no future together. It was so very painful, to have my heart broken a second time felt so horrible. I was still certain I had been in love. Otherwise how could it have been so very painful?
As is so often the case in life, with time comes added perspective. I realized that I had not shown her just how much I cared while I had the chance. I realized that perhaps some of my actions, or rather, lack thereof, betrayed the words that I had been saying and the thoughts that I had been having. For any idea to take root, thoughts alone are not enough, thoughts and words come closer, but only thoughts and words coupled together with action truly allow an idea to take shape and become something more than a passing fancy. My thoughts and words of love were not paired with the necessary actions. And that caused the words and the thoughts to lose their potency after a while.
It's been about 4 months since the end of our relationship. And here is the part that is ironic to me, and probably not all that surprising to some older and wiser than myself. I have learned more about love in the past 4 months than I ever imagined was there in that simple word even during the happiest moments of my time together with her. When we were together, it made me happy because of what the relationship did for me in my life. I thought that was love. Someone that made you happy to be around, to talk to, or to spend time with. Silly me. To truly love someone is to care about their well-being above any of your own wants or needs.
I have realized that when you love someone, truly and deeply love someone, you act out of concern for their well-being and their happiness without so much as a thought for what the consequences for you may be. Now, the realization only took one epic breakup and months of fighting off selfish emotions and bitterness and pain. That was the easy part. It's the putting into practice that can be a bit tricky. It is, no doubt, a work in progress for me. I've gone from barely being able to speak to the girl I once thought I loved, to being willing to do anything for her...even if now that means doing nothing at all sometimes. On the surface I realize that might sound like it would be horrible. To love someone more than before and to not gain anything out of it. But it's just not true. You'll have to trust me on that. On the contrary, I feel like this is the best I've felt in forever. I have gained something out of it. I have seen my capacity to love others increase exponentially and that has set me free from the pain, the jealousy, the bitterness, and any other ill feelings that arose in the past.
This all may sound convoluted and crazy. It probably is. It makes sense in my head, and the hardest transition when writing, for me, it to go from head to paper...or computer screen as the case may be. And those are my thoughts on love.
